By
Samantha Gaylor
I opened my eyes cautiously, and
confusion flooded my mind. Shortly following, the pain set in. The last time I
laid in a hospital bed was when I gave birth to my daughter nearly a year
prior. Although, that time, I didn't have a neck brace on or my body throbbing
in pain. No one familiar was in sight, I didn't have my baby, and I didn't know
what hospital I was in...
I had spent many days with my best
friend Emily and her family. Her son, siblings, and parents; they were always
so very welcoming. We had an eventful summer full of trips to the lake and
having girls’ nights on some weekends. I didn't know our last girls’ night was
going to be so dramatic and traumatic.
It started like any other time, singing
loudly in the car on our way to Wichita from McPherson. Laughing, calling
people, just a few girls having a good time before the weekend ended and it was
time to go back to work. Emily, myself and another friend went to a club and
met up with some recently acquired new friends. We had a great night, saw some
familiar faces, and planned the rest of our night in town.
So much for plans... It was a dark
night. It was a dark time. But the darkest part of it is my memory. I only
remember going as far as a block away from where our dancing shoes stopped
twirling. Emily, myself and 3 friends decided to go hang out at another
friend’s house in town, but first wanted to get a bite to eat. That bite to eat
lined us up directly for that drunk driver. Another couple hundred feet,
clueless, and enjoying the night with my best friend; tragedy struck.
A drunk driver came upon our same
intersection, ran the red light at twice the speed limit and barreled into the
side of my car with no remorse. One friend remained conscious and coherent. She
suffered some injuries, but was mostly internally scarred by memories. I lost
consciousness and blacked out. I suffered bleeding on my brain as well as some
additional injuries. Emily and our two other friends didn't necessarily suffer,
but sent many others into suffering. They didn't survive. And it wasn't one of
those, "Oh no! They died on impact," sad stories. It was much more
brutal, violent, and stomach turning than that.
Two days later, I opened my eyes
cautiously, and confusion flooded my mind. I didn't know why I was in the
hospital, I didn't know I was in an accident, and I didn't know that three
people died inside of my car; one of which was my best friend. I was forced
into an uncomfortable position when my mom came to see me, and told me my
'bestie' was no more and that I'd have to come stay with her and my dad because
I couldn't take care of my daughter, Scarlet, whose very first birthday was in
a week.
Over the next year I spent a lot of time
in silence, blaming myself for the carelessness of someone else's inattentive
driving. I lost touch with Emily's loving family. The other survivor and I
turned our separate directions in the most ugly of ways. And I managed to hurt
my family emotionally, lashing out at my own distraught emotions, that they
didn't have much to do with me for months. Isolation and heartbreak was enough
to kill me this time; and it almost succeeded.
More recently I've been granted the
serenity of being in the presence of Emily's family again, as well as my own. I
cut all my other losses. And I'm still trying to get through every day as
peacefully as I can. There are still many unspoken feelings and thoughts, so
much heartache with every waking moment, and so many tears shed at the
beautiful sight of memories made visual.
Each day feels like a chore, when before
it was an opportunity awaiting. There's nothing more troubling than wishing to
trade a beautiful angel’s place so others would hurt less.
My
name is Samantha. I'm told that I'm a 'victim' of a tragedy. But every time my
eyes open upon my wake, I don't feel like a victim. I feel like a lost,
wandering soul, questioning my own existence. And if that's not pain and
suffering....
Samantha Gaylor
is a volunteer at the Kansas DUI Impact Center in Wichita
I'm so sorry for everything you went through. It makes me so sad for everything you have dealt with. I hope you can continue to move on and focus on your daughter.
ReplyDeleteThat night was a terrible event and I'm sorry it was so painful -- and in so many ways. But I'm glad that some healing is taking place now.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing a very emotional story. It serves to rremind us all to appreciate our family and our friends.
I think I knew two of your friends that didn't survive. God bless you and your family and all the others involved.
ReplyDeleteI think I knew two of your friends that didn't survive. God bless you and your family and all the others involved.
ReplyDeleteMy husband works with Jake's father and I know how painful this is for all involved. I'm so sorry for your loss sweet girl, please keep your head up and remember God in your daily walk and struggles. You are being prayed for. God Bless.
ReplyDelete